Didn’t get this one at first; guy on the radio was saying…

I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, “Dude! you have to WAIT.”

I was down at the hardware store the other day and I noticed they now have a vast array of locking mailboxes. My sister is thinking that her mail may have been stolen recently. My suggestion for mail theft: Mail yourself letters about the money buried in your backyard. When someone shows up with a shovel, shoot.

WANTED: T-Mobile phone Marysville

Mine fell in the toilet. After a couple of days drying, I don’t think it’s
going to work again. Any style appreciated.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new
fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American
patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt,
on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the
official replied, … “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can
simply call “Teds, or Hales!”

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day,
so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
“Johnny. This is where you come from.”

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.”

“Why?” one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”