This joke reminds me...
This joke cracked me up, reminds me of a boss I once had...
Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his clothes a mess, all scratched up, his eyeglasses bent.
"What happened to you?" his boss asks.
"I fell down two flights of stairs."
"That took you a whole hour??"Labels: jokes
Stumble It!
Little Johnny's blackboard escapade #342
You will hate me for this, but I can't resist posting another
little Johnny joke...
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next
day. When the time came for the little kids to give their
reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so
she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about
a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Labels: jokes, little johnny
Stumble It!
Pirate joke
Pirate joke swiped from some guy on twitter;
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel instead of the usual scarf, wrapped around his skull. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"Labels: jokes, pirates
Stumble It!
Knock Knocks that are actually sort of funny.
When I was a (real and not just in my head) kid, knock knock jokes were all the rage. I never really thought they were funny. But I just pulled these on Daphne and we agree, funny. We will let "Bud" and "Jim" demonstrate...
BUD: "Knock knock."
JIM: "Who's there?"
BUD: "The Interrupting Cow."
JIM: "The Int..."
BUD: "MOOO!!"
But the key is the followup joke...
BUD: "Knock knock."
JIM: "Who's there?"
BUD: "The Interrupting Starfish."
JIM: "The Interrupting Starfish wh..."
BUD: (puts palm on Jim's face, with all digits extended)
Labels: jokes, knock knock jokes
Stumble It!
Bud and Jim Joke
I wonder if "Bud and Jim" jokes will become as popular as "Little Johnny" jokes...
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in Coeur d'Alene Idaho.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do.
Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got
completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't hav e a hangover?'
Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ou ght to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No '
'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver
Labels: jokes
Stumble It!
I'm a little slow on the uptake...
I didn't get this one at first; guy on the radio was saying;
I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, "Dude! you have to WAIT."
Labels: jokes
Stumble It!
Children's library rejects!
We have all seen these before, but they still crack me up. They are especially appealing when neighbor girl I call "Screamy McScreamerson" is playing in the street.
Children's books that didn't make the cut
- You Are Different and That's Bad
- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
- Dad's New Wife Robert
- Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
- Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
- The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
- Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
- All Cats Go to Hell!
- The Little Sissy Who Snitched
- Some Kittens Can Fly.
- That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
- Grandpa Gets a Casket
- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
- Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
- Strangers Have the Best Candy
- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
- You Were an Accident
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- Pop! Goes The Hamster; and Other Great Microwave Games
- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
- Your Nightmares Are Real
- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
- Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
- Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Labels: Books, humor, jokes, kids
Stumble It!
Little Johnny Joke: On the balcony.
John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"A car is being towed from the parking lot!" he shouted.
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt has a new bike"
"Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having sex."
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?"
Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too.
Labels: balcony, jokes, little johnny, sex
Stumble It!
Three funny in a row... BONUS ROUND
Rarely do I laugh out loud at three jokes in a row; Maybe we overdid it with the Kahlua in the coffee this morning.
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They
fight tooth and nail!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to
Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a
car crash? He's all right now.
Labels: humor, jokes, Married Life
Stumble It!
Gramma does not know everything
Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house
and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the
same room and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’ Little Tony just said, ‘Oh, OK,’
and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t
called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s Mom wants to
talk to you.’
Labels: grandma, jokes, little johnny, sex
Stumble It!
Little Johnny Joke #543 if they had numbers
Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day,
so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
“Johnny. This is where you come from.”
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.”
“Why?” one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”
Labels: jokes, little johnny
Stumble It!
Bad jokes make me ill
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
Labels: humor, jokes
Stumble It!
My wife thinks she's a...
Combines bartender and psychiatrist jokes...
Guy telling his bartender his troubles;
"My wife thinks she's a pretzel!"
Bartender sez, "Did you take her to a psychiatrist?"
"Yeah... he says she's twisted."
OR
"My wife thinks she's a piano!"
Bartender sez, "Did you take her to a psychiatrist?"
"Are you kidding? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
Labels: jokes, man walks into a bar jokes, psychiatrist jokes
Stumble It!
OH
A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he can get him and why the man is pulling that chain around?
The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things?!!"
Labels: jokes, man walks into a bar jokes
Stumble It!
Couple in China wants to name baby "@"
I was just reading that a couple in China has applied to name their baby "@". (In Chinese the english "at" sounds like "love him", I am told.)
People used to say that "Coke" translates to "Bite the wax tadpole", which is making me hungry.
I hope this mom in China doesn't decide to make this a theme, with the punctuation, and naming the dog asterick, etc. She'll be calling out the back door, @!! #!! &y! (andy) $! Get in here right now! Get * out of the driveway!
They will know they are in trouble when she calls them all at once with the middle names too- @)#!&y^$$ (calling them) @)#!&y^$$ (swearing)
What's in a name? # will go on to work for the telephone company. Expect big things from $. That is all I got.
Labels: jokes, news, words
Stumble It!
It's so true
"Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat." -unknown author
Sometimes maxims such as this are filled with meaning in the hours of darkness, but the test is whether they hold up to the cold light of day. This one does.
I have thought of changing my name to "Unknown Author" and waiting for the money to start rolling in, but it probably doesn't work like that.
Labels: jokes, quotes, sayings
Stumble It!
It's wrong to laugh
Eh, pollsters
From a poll, I'm not going to make these numbers look legit by naming the pollster or the margin of error; mainly because I don't know.
-------snip---------
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same
woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 85%
-------snip---------
Now honey, you know these polls can be twisted based on who asks what when and how... It's about as accurate as a stupid newspaper horoscope... Besides, shouldn't you be doing laundry or something?
(Ducking, covering)
Labels: jokes, polls. marriage
Stumble It!
FINE Name her Jennifer like everyone else
Party Clown
Children's Party
------------------
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out.
She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain thechildren herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing
cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches,does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous.
I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.
"HEY Neil! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Labels: jokes
Stumble It!
This one made me chuckle...
A lot of really funny jokes are based on really far-fetched scenarios;
Three French Foreign Legion soldiers who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in ... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second legionnaire arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ...8 ... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first and second legionnaires met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Labels: jokes
Stumble It!
Sometimes the forwarded emails are actually funny...
New Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the Value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a Husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1- These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor the sign reads: Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6- Your are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. the second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Labels: email jokes, jokes
Stumble It!
The Therapist's couch beckons
Jokesgalore.com keeps sending my these psychiatrist jokes. They are making dream about the old Twin Teepees restaurant in Seattle. (I do that when I get too tense.)
Patient: "Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible."
Psychiatrist: "What!...who said that?"
Labels: jokes, psychiatrist jokes
Stumble It!
Doc, can you help me?
Ya gotta help me, Doc; I'm completely obsessed with psychiatrist jokes. Even if they're not funny!
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!
Labels: Doctor Doctor, jokes, psychiatrist jokes
Stumble It!
Subscribe in a reader
