It's all in the brand...
I just noticed that we are using "Marathon" brand toilet tissue. Seems like quality stuff, but I hope I never have to find out if it lives up to the name.
Labels: humor, product reviews
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I love my cellphone but oh you kid...
I have a great cell plan, 300 minutes, free data, free nights/weekends, the weak spot is that text messages are ten cents each. Now, I just don't use text messaging, my thumbs are only suited for hitchhiking, or operating the remote.
Unfortunately, I suspect that the young lady that had my cellphone number before me DID use text messages. Or rather, her, ummm, suitors did. I get a GOOD MORNING message from some dude most mornings. I told him that he had the wrong number, but he cryptically replied "I AM SANTA CLAUS". This threw me for a loop... What if he REALLY IS Santa? My general policy is not to anger a guy who owns flying reindeer.
But I digress. Today I got a 7am Saturday wake-up text message. I stared at it bleary-eyed for a moment, then burst out laughing. For once it might be worth a dime.
Here's the sort of nasty joke my misguided stalker sent today;
"Summer's Eve has a new douche made from Marijuana, deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It leaves women high, dry, and finger licking good!"
Labels: cellphones, humor, nasty jokes
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Aristotle messes with your gray matter #546
Aristotle says;
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
But, is he serious? I think these philosophers just liked to make up BS to impress the ladies. And that statement bears serious examination.
Labels: humor, philosophy, quotes
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Gosh
Real world math lesson.
Question about fire
Why is it that when your car catches on fire, it burns up, but if your house catches on fire, it burns down?
Normally I would ask my insurance guy, but this question would probably make my rates go up.
Labels: fire, humor, insurance
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Children's library rejects!
We have all seen these before, but they still crack me up. They are especially appealing when neighbor girl I call "Screamy McScreamerson" is playing in the street.
Children's books that didn't make the cut
- You Are Different and That's Bad
- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
- Dad's New Wife Robert
- Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
- Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
- The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
- Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
- All Cats Go to Hell!
- The Little Sissy Who Snitched
- Some Kittens Can Fly.
- That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
- Grandpa Gets a Casket
- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
- Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
- Strangers Have the Best Candy
- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
- You Were an Accident
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- Pop! Goes The Hamster; and Other Great Microwave Games
- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
- Your Nightmares Are Real
- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
- Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
- Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Labels: Books, humor, jokes, kids
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Three funny in a row... BONUS ROUND
Rarely do I laugh out loud at three jokes in a row; Maybe we overdid it with the Kahlua in the coffee this morning.
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They
fight tooth and nail!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to
Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a
car crash? He's all right now.
Labels: humor, jokes, Married Life
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Laughter strictly for medicinal purposes?
I was reading this Study on the health benefits of Laughter It makes me wonder. If laughter is the best medicine, what is sarcasm? Are there health benefits to smirking? Or does it have to be a belly laugh? Does it work better on fat people then? Is canned laughter the generic equivalent? Can I get cheaper laughs in Canada? There are many unanswered questions.
Labels: humor, laughter, studies have shown
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Furniture Personals
It seems odd to me, the way they word things when posting something to the Snohomish County Freecyclers List. Got this one just now;
I have two floor lamps that need new homes
Well, I'm not sure. Are these floor lamps healthy? Do they have behavior problems? I'm worried that they won't get along with my other furnishings. What kind of electricity should I feed them? Then I got;
I have 3 dining room chairs looking for new home. I like these dining room chairs, they are being proactive, and actively seeking out a new home, probably interviewing dining room tables, going on hikes hoping to meet other decor-minded furniture.
They might have an ad on Craigslist that goes something like this;
"Looking for a nice home with non-drinking, non-smoking humans. No children please. Also, if you are into the whole 'tipping against the wall' thing, don't even bother. I have protective leg-tips, you be floor safe too. Prefer French Colonial surroundings.Labels: advertising, craigslist, furniture, humor
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Another gem from the Snohomish county freelist...
Freecycle user helps me win scavenger hunt!!
Hey, this offering on the local Freecycle.com list would help with the scavenger hunt! Especially the orange, pink and green tablecloth ( Did someone barf? Who can tell? )
plastic mat version of Twister
Four boxes of lasagna noodles and 2 of spaghetti
One bottle Old Orchard Green Tea unopened
One vinyl tablecloth - orange, pink and green
Box of 7 dinosaurs and play picture. Opened but intact
Artemis Woman heel smoother. Been used, 2 extra tips packs. Still in good
condition
Labels: freecycle, humor, websites
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NEED EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
From our local "Freecycle" list; it's an endless source of amusement. I just woke up, and at first I thought a GUY wrote this, or maybe it is so, which would bring shame to all of the male gender;
HELP! I was just asked to be in my girlfriends wedding. Need to lose
weight ASAP. Anyone have any weights, rowing machine, stairmaster, or
any equiptment that is gathering dust or being used as an extra clothes
hanger? I could really put to good use. Thank you - I only have 3
months! EEK!!... EEK indeed. So, what is she going to do "in" her girlfriend's wedding? Sheesh, nobody's going to be looking at you, it's your girlfriend's big day. Just go and don't whine about the ugly bridesmaid dresses. And hope nobody recognizes you from the bachelor party.
(Three weeks into the new year does seem the ideal time to obtain cast-off like-new exercise equipment, half empty boxes of nicotine patches, and other personal torture devices)
Labels: eccentric, freecycle, humor
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Bad jokes make me ill
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
Labels: humor, jokes
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Sometimes it's hard to tell
Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Chris likes to mess with telemarketers.
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