Little Johnny Joke #543 if they had numbers
Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day,
so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
“Johnny. This is where you come from.”
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.”
“Why?” one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”
Labels: jokes, little johnny
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Bad jokes make me ill
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
Labels: humor, jokes
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My wife thinks she's a...
Combines bartender and psychiatrist jokes...
Guy telling his bartender his troubles;
"My wife thinks she's a pretzel!"
Bartender sez, "Did you take her to a psychiatrist?"
"Yeah... he says she's twisted."
OR
"My wife thinks she's a piano!"
Bartender sez, "Did you take her to a psychiatrist?"
"Are you kidding? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
Labels: jokes, man walks into a bar jokes, psychiatrist jokes
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OH
A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he can get him and why the man is pulling that chain around?
The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things?!!"
Labels: jokes, man walks into a bar jokes
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Couple in China wants to name baby "@"
I was just reading that a couple in China has applied to name their baby "@". (In Chinese the english "at" sounds like "love him", I am told.)
People used to say that "Coke" translates to "Bite the wax tadpole", which is making me hungry.
I hope this mom in China doesn't decide to make this a theme, with the punctuation, and naming the dog asterick, etc. She'll be calling out the back door, @!! #!! &y! (andy) $! Get in here right now! Get * out of the driveway!
They will know they are in trouble when she calls them all at once with the middle names too- @)#!&y^$$ (calling them) @)#!&y^$$ (swearing)
What's in a name? # will go on to work for the telephone company. Expect big things from $. That is all I got.
Labels: jokes, news, words
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It's so true
"Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat." -unknown author
Sometimes maxims such as this are filled with meaning in the hours of darkness, but the test is whether they hold up to the cold light of day. This one does.
I have thought of changing my name to "Unknown Author" and waiting for the money to start rolling in, but it probably doesn't work like that.
Labels: jokes, quotes, sayings
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It's wrong to laugh
Eh, pollsters
From a poll, I'm not going to make these numbers look legit by naming the pollster or the margin of error; mainly because I don't know.
-------snip---------
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same
woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 85%
-------snip---------
Now honey, you know these polls can be twisted based on who asks what when and how... It's about as accurate as a stupid newspaper horoscope... Besides, shouldn't you be doing laundry or something?
(Ducking, covering)
Labels: jokes, polls. marriage
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FINE Name her Jennifer like everyone else
Party Clown
Children's Party
------------------
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out.
She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain thechildren herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing
cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches,does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous.
I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.
"HEY Neil! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Labels: jokes
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This one made me chuckle...
A lot of really funny jokes are based on really far-fetched scenarios;
Three French Foreign Legion soldiers who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in ... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second legionnaire arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ...8 ... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first and second legionnaires met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Labels: jokes
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Sometimes the forwarded emails are actually funny...
New Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the Value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a Husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1- These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor the sign reads: Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6- Your are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. the second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Labels: email jokes, jokes
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The Therapist's couch beckons
Jokesgalore.com keeps sending my these psychiatrist jokes. They are making dream about the old Twin Teepees restaurant in Seattle. (I do that when I get too tense.)
Patient: "Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible."
Psychiatrist: "What!...who said that?"
Labels: jokes, psychiatrist jokes
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Doc, can you help me?
Ya gotta help me, Doc; I'm completely obsessed with psychiatrist jokes. Even if they're not funny!
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!
Labels: Doctor Doctor, jokes, psychiatrist jokes
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